Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.