Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.