my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
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my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My vagina is officially offended.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity