Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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