so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I am puke
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
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Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
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you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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