it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize