yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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