I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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