you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
