you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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