I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
