I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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