he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
