make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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