I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
