i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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