I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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