im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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