just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
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Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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