You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
