Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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