I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hippo gnu deer
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Less talking, more tequila
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
