Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
