We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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