I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
