I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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