totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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