I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
