Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
