I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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