i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
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I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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