nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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