I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
