so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
