When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think I sprained my soul last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
