I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
