I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
