After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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