I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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