Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
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