I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
