so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
