I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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