It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
