he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
