his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
