I wish I could teleport
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
