Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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