My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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