I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
