He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
