sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
