I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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