A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
