I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
